Now isn’t that an irony worth applauding? Glorious boredom? You’d ask with a lot of questions in your head spinning you off into a world of webs of dilemma’s. That sounds like a labyrinth of weeded mazes and sometimes I don’t see light anywhere. But, the thing is, I’m somehow warm, cozy and comfortable within all of this. Even though these may seem like a delicate situation to many where your life has no meaning and its not heading on a fixed path; assuming of course that the human karma’s keep on driving him/her to find that path and finally attain Nirvana. One way or the other you have to come to an end and before you do you’d want to think of yourself as someone who followed a good path into light. I thought I had found that path and was happy that I was moving along life’s waves without needing to fight against them. Guess I got it all wrong. One way or the other there would come a day like this where I’d need to swim against the tide and come to think of it – SWIM! Swim with all my might especially since I don’t know swimming. I’m sure though that I’ve learnt how to swim and I’ve managed to keep myself afloat. I now need a plan to move forward, fight waves and tides and somehow, I feel I’d need someone with me cause I’m no good alone.
Usually, when people get bored or they are living a frame of time where they have absolutely nothing to do – they’d just find something to think of or do. Most of us manage to pass this time without having to try to hard. Mostly because almost all our lives have become a mechanically run human machine where we live to work rather than work to live. So when people like this find themselves in a spot where they have nothing to do, that calls only for two feelings. Either this could meet ultimate joy where they’d go on to indulge and over-indulge in activities they’ve always wanted to do and/or the other feeling where they don’t know what to do, they’re lost and they don’t know where to begin and what it is that they’d be good at next. Mostly such people would think a lot about what it is that they’re doing with the time they then own. Which is probably why it dissolves the very essence of dead-air in their lives which I feel is very essential. It might lead to a few hours, days or months of boredom but trust me, you need this. I’ve been living on the equator of both these feelings and whoa! the heat is at its peak where I am.
I try to do things I like, but somehow I don’t enjoy any of them. For example, I try to listen to some music and I’d get bored of it very soon. I’d pick up a book and try to read whats written. What happens next is something that totally destroys me. Reading words and not understanding them; not being able to drink it with all its taste and feed it to my word hungry brain, sigh, its a clumsy feeling. I’ve loved reading books since ever but somehow, these days books just don’t appeal to me. Especially since I read Love Story – Erich Segal. Thats when I actually learnt that I seem to have a dead heart. She had given the book to me a long time ago and the funny thing is, she asked me to never read it cause she lost her first love after he read that book. I was scared and thus I never actually read the book. Now after I’ve read it, I just feel so sick. I’m disturbed about the way I feel for love and people. I’m scared sometimes that the cloud of gloominess hanging overhead would turn me into someone I don’t want to be. I love being a helpless romantic and I wouldn’t want to change for anyone or anything. Ohhh, I still am a romantic and even though it may sound girly I totally love the idea of being in love and sharing myself with someone and enjoying her half in return. The whole thought still makes me giggle (luckily!)
I tried my hand at getting certified (CCNA) and all I could do was attend classes worth 11 grands and that was just about it. I couldn’t collect enough energy to go answer its test and get the certificate which would be very helpful for my career. I then tried my hand at music – the guitar to be specific and this was in unison with Chetan and Ajay. They went onto complete the first module and Ajay can already play the guitar very well (taking into consideration his natural inclination towards music and sticking with it over the past 10 years) and Chetan can play a bit too. I chickened out like a little bitch cause I somehow couldn’t do what I thought would be easy. Like Ajay said this wasn’t easy and it took a lot of practice and patience. Patience is something I don’t quite have and I’ve been trying to meditate to bring some into me. Anyway, thats alright; like I said, I did not want to be naive at anything. I’m ok where I stand and I’m more than happy to enjoy the music Ajay makes and trust me when I say that I’d write lyrics to the music he makes one fine day. I’m sure that will happen. I recently had this fantasy of attending some tutoring on creative writing and I’m looking forward to getting some information about coaching in Bangalore. Let me see where that takes me.
Sometimes, I feel like I need to escape! Run away someplace where its green all around and I’m living in the wild. But hey! I need to have like loads of money with me to buy all the food I need. I’d surely like to live like Chris McCandless in the movie “Into the wild” but with real time food, you know? I don’t think I can live off fresh meat and weird herbs. Guess thats what killed him in the end. I wouldn’t mind a couple of aliens running around too. They could teach me some of their new age technology and probably take me for a spin in their cool shuttle. You know that kinda stuff works, right? Aliens and UFO’s always seem to show up at scarcely populated areas. So, I’m thinking, Scotland or Ireland maybe. Riding a horse is something I’ve always wanted to do! That’d be fun, but I worry about how bad it’d be for my groin! So, yeah, I know I think of weird things all the time. I’d blame the movies I watch for the way I dream. I’ve been watching a lot of movies off late and I feel proud about how hard I’ve been raping Airtel. Working from home has been an amazing experience but I don’t think I’ll do it very often. It kinda cuts you off people and the loneliness then starts eating on you. I; luckily, have been doing just fine. I’m happy that I finally managed to write this. Its been eating me from my insides over the last couple of days. I hope to attend those classes on creative writing. I love writing!
-Anup