Freedom

I feel at peace when I write this. Please. Let there be no misconceptions that I have attained freedom from life (even though thats what I thought was better until a couple of days ago) I have attained freedom from fear! A fear, a constant feeling that has been haunting me from 2 and a half years now. A fear of losing someone very important to me. And here’s the truth; I have lost her.

What keeps me calm right now is the fact that I haven’t done what I said I’d do – kill myself. I really couldn’t do that. Quite a few reasons; I am not a coward, I have people who look up to me and I have one hellova family who really stood by during the last few very troublesome days. Moreover, my friends, I have a couple I could mention – Abhijit and Muiz. These guys just held me throughout. Listened to me spill it out and finish it. I have puked it all out. Now, its void. No hate and there surely is no love.

I am pretty sure that there would be no remorse from my other half. She is calm, very peaceful and currently sleeping. Like she says, “You have not known me” I wish I wouldn’t have known you! I just wish. The injury is done, I feel its pain and it’d probably go. What remains is me being scarred for life. I dedicate the entire album – The Division bell, by Pink Floyd to her and to the situation I am in. Its just perfect. Adding one of the songs in here:

[audio:http://www.anup.org/audio/take.mp3]

Anyway, she has ended something that she should have ended long time ago. Considering her to be more mature out of the two of us (or so she says!) What bothered me was the way in which she ended it. I totally agree that I’ve been obsessive about her and that I’ve probably overburdened her with love. This is a very common mistake and a lot of guys do it. What this deserves is a break up, a heartbreak and if that results to death, its ok! At least be true and tell him that you do not wish to be with him. Is it better to hide what you feel, give him wrong hope and then after a long time, a time when he thinks he cant live without you; you kill him anyway? Is this justice?

People who heard the story said that we both have been at fault. I’m just going to agree to them and shut the fuck up and move on. I know, there is no other way, but… could I have tried harder? Could I have done anything to make her stay? Guess not. I tried my best. My very best and even though she does not see it, I gave a lot to the both of us. Time, patience and everything else. I really can’t see what came from her side. Except for tolerance though. She tolerated me. I agree. What was ideally required was for her to help me. She never tried.

So, freedom be to her and to me. May she do very well in whatever it is that she does. May she live well with the new light in her life and may god bless her. I’m not trying to be good. Its just that… I still love her. I can’t talk my heart out of it. He just doesn’t listen. Anyway, I’m ready to relive. Time to end the fear and time to accept my freedom. Thanks for all that you’ve given me luvey. I’d be forever, indebted to you.

Her gift to me just before Valentines, oh yes, this was it:

-Anup