Deep Conversations.

It is the week of Diwali, 2023. There is a lot going on around me. The Cricket World cup is in full swing with India winning all of its 9 encounters as of today. As Indians, we are shitting our pants as we fear a knockout in the semis with New Zealand although we have beaten them once. I don’t care what we call it, being jinxed, our luck or just the way we are. We tend to misfire when it matters most. Also, Australia has picked up steam over the last few matches and Glen Maxwell is just crazy! Hmm… an afterthought, Nope! I’m not scared or worried. The way our guys are dominating the world right now I feel we are going to breeze through this – bleed blue!

Its stupid, how long it has been since I came by. Just thought I should, cause I could. So, here I am. What I wanted to talk about today is a theme which is quite consistent with my blog, people, friends and all those around me. I have observed over a period of time that people find it tedious, anxiety inducing or outright lack the sensibility to have deep meaningful conversations. As you interact with elements and people around you, there is this tough but rather important realization that hits you – not everyone is capable of taking part in such discussions and its not their fault. As someone who deeply enjoys conversations that are devoid of judgement, comparison, narcissism among other things, it is appalling how only a few are close to holding such conversations. The kinds, that when done, give you a profound feeling of being alive and connected with the beings around you. For me, this could be in text too. To be very honest, I prefer it to be in text.

There are names and people I can count with whom I could share said conversations. It is long WhatsApp messages sometimes or more recently, I spoke to Ajay out of the blue and we shared a conversation after years and it lasted an hour where the flow was so real that I never felt that we have been out of touch. We never spoke post that call and I am not sure when we’d speak next but when we do – its going to be real. What I’d like for us to have is a conversation that is long, deep and anything but real. Where we dream and plan even if it means we never do those things we spoke about. I want for us to not talk about people. I need for us to discuss ideas, possibilities and music, maybe? Lord, give me back my friends who could discuss music with me. Tell me stories about musicians and their penchant for self destruction – so awesome. I’d like to discuss human emotions and about the hole in our heart, I’d like to discuss about anything else but our insecurities and no, I don’t want you to think I’m judging you when I’m telling you about what I think of your fears – I am just telling you what I think about it. Supposedly, I am the most judgmental person ever, according to those that are seemingly close to me. Pfft, sure.

What am I rambling on about here, right? I’d like conversations that are profound and explore the meaning of life and relationships. These conversations need to be a LOT more than surface topics and they must foster intellectual and emotional connection, often involving discussions on philosophy and personal growth. I want us to discuss the why’s of life and hardly ever the who’s – see where I’m tilting towards? I don’t ever want to discuss people honestly. If you’ve learnt something cool, I’d like to know about it. Did you experience a calling on one of your recent travels? I would love that. Do you believe in God and Aliens? Hell yeah, bring it on! Lets talk technology and video games if that is something you like. Have the clarity of mind and speech when talking to me, cause I’d like to live through you the same way you should live through me. We are connected beings and I genuinely feel this. I am deeply selfish but I feel empathy like no other and yes, I see the juxtaposition there.

I remember the day I left Dubai. There is so much to talk about when it comes to that story of my life which a lot of people who are in my life have heard but not understood or so I feel. Maybe, I don’t understand them? Then again, that is for later. Each time I write here I promise myself to visit again, write more, have stories to discuss and become a celebrated blogger/writer but then I just make this place a grave. Then again, do you like text or tiktok? And the answer to that is what I’ve spoken about in the verbal diarrhea above.

Helmet Pinched

YelaGiri Hills – Storytime # 1

So hello all! Here is where we are. I predicted a few years back that blogs are dead and vlogs/YouTube and whatnot would be the future. Hell its impossible for the new generation that has the attention span of a bee to keep up with a write up. TL;DR they’d say and scoff at written text.

In fact, we’d all agree that write ups went down from blogs to twitter and what’s next now? A single impactful word written at a point in time explaining what you feel? Video has dropped from Youtube, Vimeo and the likes to Instagram, Reels, YouTube Shorts and hell yeah to TikTok! Ghastly stuff overall. I know I sound like an old adorable uncle who can’t catch a break but whatever.

Its been two years since I grazed the dying fields of anup.org and here I am just to say hello and here’s my video cause that’s new! I’ve got a lot of story that’s missed from the time I went to Pune to where I am now cause believe you me; I am in Bangalore. Settled and living a life of peace and absolute harmony. I love riding my bike, the fact that I’ve been working from home for the past one year. I am quite torn if I love or hate the pandemic in this specific context and I am not apologetic about it. Cause I’ve always wanted to work from home! ALWAYS. I have it now.

I’ve got a couple of videos up there where I’m yapping on about bikes and travels. This is for those who may come by which isn’t a lot I know but I’ll probably put this link on my instagram/YT channels and those people may come by. Oh! The Irony. No, for sure there would be videos coming which will have more Storytimes and that’s probably where I’d talk about my escape from Dubai! Until then, adios!

-Anup

Pune.

So considering my previous entry fared as expected with not even Shruti coming by; I think its a good point for me to start with. I was taken aback when someone recently started an email thread on a very old google group from my yesteryear’s called the Blog’a’loreans. This was the time I was in Bangalore and used to write, consistently if I may. We since then have moved over to a Whats App group and that is a dead group now. How cool is this? Whats App, I feel, is the place where people go and kill themselves. They just stop existing. Its like they have ticked a box and that’s it. Stay in the group so that it gives you some sense of pseudo inclusiveness.

I’m traveling again. I was in Bangalore last month for 4 days. Met some people I dearly love and also some I really don’t care about. Overall, it was a successful trip. That being said I spent a bomb since it was an impulse decision to move out during a 4 day break at work. This trip was ideally planned for Kerala only however its been a while since I’ve been to the place that made me who I am. Jai Maharashtra!! With all my heart and soul, I do love that land. So many people that I would love to meet again. I am meeting some of them and its planned out quite well and I am hoping to stick to agenda.

I will be in Pune between 3rd to 7th January 2019. I initially wanted to include some work related meet ups but then decided to keep it purely a personal trip. I’m meeting school friends and we’re going to be out and about. I cannot believe that I’m going to Pune and I’m having to live in a hotel though. Its my place ffs however dad’s retired and although I do have options those are complicated in nature and I am someone who avoids confrontations vehemently. I have friends who pledged their heart and soul and now are nobodies and those who refuse to accept my being, those who look at messages that were sent and do not reply, those who are just plain heartless! Its cool though, I’m happy to just note that they are all still around.

The plan as of now is to go to this place called Guhaghar which is a six hour drive from Pune and I’ll have Unni, Nishant and Deepak going with me. These are guys I know since forever. School; as in so far as my memory takes me back I have known these guys. Reconnecting is going to be cake walk mostly and I am hoping to have a chill time. I am hoping to pack a LOT of music and books and take it easy at the beach. I think about doing things that sound relaxing but in the end I would probably just end consuming a truck load of entertainment. So addicted.

For now, that is the plan. Take this 5 day slip road and then join back to the original highway which is in Kerala. Pick up my family and come back to Dubai on the 11th of Jan. From there we embark on another year of togetherness, highs no lows and a lot of family time. I won’t call these as promises made however I’ll do my best to do more with family this year. I’m kind of a self centered asshole and I’d like to do away with it. Lets see how that goes. That’s it from me for this time. Again, I hope this gets published. Trust me when I say, I have 8 drafts which never got published!

-Anup

Grey.

Should be thinking about my health.
Should be concentrating on work and be thankful.
Should be spending more time with my family.
Should try ‘positivity’ a bit more often.
Should get in touch with friends who have walked away.
Should be happy.

Some of the many things that have ‘should be’s’ attached to them which is a big no-no according to my boss. Therefore technically it is something I avoid on a daily basis at work but when it comes to life this is all I have; a bunch of should be’s. I’ve been saying this to myself and to Shruti on an hourly basis when I need to avoid, procrastinate or just plain defend myself from goals be it the smallest of ones. Damn you Anup! Don’t start off with your never ending rants full of self pity. Its pathetic.

So the point of my post today was about this feeling of helplessness or of a place which seems so dark that you don’t know if you are alive or dead or a noise so vile that you’d rather die than bear it any longer. A point in your life where you feel that killing yourself is easier than dragging on any further. I wonder how someone commits to a decision like this. All of us at various points in our life must have thought of jumping off from somewhere or hitting some shots of Harpic or some such shit to end it all but this thought goes before it comes because we give ourselves ideas of getting out of that place without having to kill ourselves. Even if it means killing someone else. These people though – they achieve a state of Nirvana where their final goal is death and they have the will to reach it.

I am heavily disturbed by this 24 year old who had his whole life ahead of him and still thought it was best if he just ended it all. He was addicted to drugs and was supposedly depressed they said. I did watch the video he made before he jumped off the 17th floor and all that I could see from his face was a whole life ahead of him with a galore of opportunities. At 24 I believe you are at a stage which is like a pedestal that peeks you above everyone else. It lets you look at the world from a high point and gives you the opportunity to choose what you want to do with life. You can decide for yourself, pick what you like and walk or run towards it. Its like a fucking shopping cart; life that is. Fuck all those who talk about wrong decisions. There is neither right nor wrong. Its all about what’s good for you and at 24 you should be sensible enough to decide. Else, jump from a building and die motherfucker! Pisses me off that he thought it was just him affected by this decision. Don’t give me other worldly thoughts and rebellious puns. I don’t give a flying fuck. What you have done is the most cowardice act that there could be. You have perennially hurt your parents, maybe their parents (even more) and friends, the dog you fed on your way back from wherever. Fuck, you have stolen energy from a common space we all share and destroyed it!

Grey because to some it is and to some it is not. For me though, fuck you! Suicide is not a solution.

-Anup